Basic Input Output System

(RITTERS NEWS SERVICE) MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA
... and the word “karma” was scrawled over a wall of his apartment, in what forensic tests reveal to be the blood of a rutabaga.

While all accounts are S------ never believed in “karma” in the strict sense, his disappearance is even more unusual considering the recent publication of his short story, “The Shrew That Ate Rush Limbaugh.” The story appears in the latest issue of the magazine Tales of the Unanticipated, which the FBI categorizes as the subversive publication of The New Union of Soviet Socialist Postal Workers.

“The Shrew That Ate Rush Limbaugh” was written in 1983 when S------ was a senior at Irondale High School but more than fifteen years of attempting to sell it were futile and it was not accepted until S------ himself became a teacher.

Authorities refuse to comment on the suspicious nature of this coincidence. However one unidentified student did speak at Odyssey School, where S------ taught until recently. When asked what she thought of S------ as a teacher, she remarked: “He was good ... (urp) a little tough though. Definitely half-baked.”
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RWSj, Case File # 3128221

(report of Dr. R. A. Gross, MD, PhD, BA, AB, Do-be-do-be-do)

Fri. 12/13: Patient's Messianic delusions continue. Has created short story with "Goddess" character called "Jenni." Can't determine whether he created her or she created him.

Sat. 12/14: Patient convinced someone named "----" has published his story, which was rejected by every other SF magazine multiple times over more than ten years. Patient says ---- has resurrected him so it ---- must be God.

Wed. 12/25: Patient insists I refer to today as 'Wotan's Day' and that he's gouged out one of his eyes to achieve inner vision. I tell him I see no damage. Patient tells me I need to gouge out one of my eyes. I ask him which one. He says, "If you don't know, I can't help you."

Tue. 12/29: Patient has come up with Trinitarian metaphysics re: himself, Jenni and ----. Prances tirelessly, singing, "There's Daddy, then Junior, and I'm the Spook!"

Off-key rendition spooks other inmates indeed.

Fri. 13/1: I ask patient if he knows what sacrilege is. He accuses me of wanting him to say it's a gum resin. I tell him that would be mucilage. "Right," he adds, "but you'll find sacrilege holds everything together better."
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Given RWSj's undergraduate education in neurophysiology, his graduate education in philosophy, his endless obsession with the mind-body problem, and his seven year stint doing research, you might be tempted to believe parts of the short story published in this issue are based on real events.

Nothing could be further from the truth. S------, for example, never has had sex with any real corpses. Only Lutherans.
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In a sophomore English class, RWSj was given an assignment to make up a story about a picture from samples posted on a wall. The picture showed a human girl and a chimpanzee sitting on a curb, looking at each other. The result, with only minor modifications, is the tale included in this issue, with its unique take on the Mind-Body Problem.

To this day, S------ wonders what would have happened if he had chosen the picture of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. At the very least, however, it wouldn't have ended up a story about anything with a soul.
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During the particularly harsh Russian winter of 1977-78, a small bundle was delivered to a babushka's door near Novgorod. It was apparently a mere frozen mass of fur, congealed blood and organ meats, but the babushka was near-starving and thawed the bundle anyway, hoping to find enough to make a broth.

When she did so, in the center of the bundle was revealed a small canister of microfilm, detailing the true nature of the so-called "Cold War," the secret role of America's CIA, and the lost Zoroastrian prophecies with which RWSj (the "new Tetragrammaton") would find his place in ushering in the new Golden Age.

Unfortunately, the old woman, by the name of Yaga, ate the canister too. S------ has been collecting and analyzing dried samples of her feces ever since.
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The oldest recorded survivor of a prostratotomy in relief of hypognostimanic impotitus, RWSj now lives happily in a place not too far from Wisconsin, the home of beer, cheese, and serial killers.

There, Bob spends his time in the cattle-barn, catching mice, rats and other small rodents and batting them around before eating them, at least when he’s not writing advertising copy for God.

Neither Bob nor God is allowed on the furniture though. That’s for company.
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As the only man in the history of the Church to have hemmorhoids declared legitimate stigmata, RWSj continues in his saintly tradition of humility and grace, steadfastly insisting that he is not worthy.
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RWSj is a local writer and teacher, and the smartest human being who has ever lived.

That is, next to the person who ends up proving why.